Travelled back last night from Telford and had quite a bit of time to do some thinking. So here are some thoughts which came to me during the endless journey. (You may want to get a coffee as this is not going to be quick…well I did have a lot of thinking time!)
1. I must have missed the recent advertising campaign by the Government when they announced that the speed limit on motorways had been dropped to 50mph, as it seem to be impossible to travel over that speed now. I would however suggest that they definitely re-run their adverts during the Jeremy Kyle show as all the pykies driving clapped out Rovers and Vauxhall still seem to think there is no limit.
2. Big thanks to the Highways Agency for helping ensure that no one can travel above 50mph. Particularly impressed with the 30 miles stretch of the M1 that they have coned off, with 2 contraflows, so they can park 2 JCBs by the side of the road. As it was a Sunday obviously I didn’t see the 3 blokes leaning on shovels smoking who seem to be the entire workforce doing road improvement. I assume there was a Buy 1 get 3000 Free offer on cones which you couldn’t miss and now need somewhere to store them?
3. Also to the Highways Agency for the few times when there were no roadworks for flashing up 50 signs on every gantry for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHAT SO EVER!! Totally clear roads but of course they have to enforce the new Government policy on speed (see 1 above). Fortunately everyone ignores your signs!
4. To all the drivers sitting in the middle lane when the inside lane is empty doing 55mph…PULL OVER YOU IDIOTS!!! This includes most Vauxhall drivers, a lot of French car owners and every single sodding SAAB on the road. Perhaps these SAAB drivers could engage their advertising companies (I believe only advertising reps drive SAABs) to help with point 1 above. Particular thanks to the lady driving the silver Nissan Micra who tooted me for undertaking her. Yes I know I shouldn’t have done that but pulling all the way across and all the way back in just to get round your shitty car, having done it so many times already, was getting tedious. However, I don’t think your in a position to comment on the Highway Code love! I hope you understood my hand signal, now go back to listening to Radio 4 and PULL OVER!!! Slow and steady does not win the race, you are just late for everything.
5. To the young lads in the T reg Vauxhall Astra, with the option rust stains and section of drainpipe for an exhaust, while hugely impressed with your car I don’t recall their being many 1.2l Astras in The Fast and the Furious. So why do you have neon lights under your car? Was that in the remake set in Southend, in which case I apologies as I’ve not see that version. But no I don’t want to race you!
6. To the man driving the silver Mercedes, also driving in the middle lane doing 60, who thought it a great game to speed up as I was overtaking him, what a cad! You must be the most popular bloke at all your golf club parties with your witty stories about how you fixed your sink! I just hope that they have private shower cubicles at your club though as I would hate for everyone to laugh at your tiny penis.
7. To those drivers who clearly failed remedial mathematics at school, I suggest you look up what average means. When it says “Average Speed Cameras Limit 50″ it doesn’t mean you drive through at 100mph and the slam on the brakes every time you see a camera. I would imagine that the cameras are not switched on though as otherwise you would have lost your license ages ago, or maybe you did and think it’s only an option anyway, along with road tax and insurance. Look forward to seeing you on Jeremy Kyle, or I would if I sat at home all day claiming benefits instead of having to work to pay your benefits.
8. To BMW, can you please introduce some sort of IQ test to anyone who wishes to buy one of your cars? Possibly also include some sort of snap quiz as part of the engine management system which has to be answered each time the person accelerates? I think this would cut down on a lot of the moronic behaviour of your drivers and possibly improve the reputation of your brand.
So next time I travel out I will remember to pack a large book to read in the traffic jams, possibly some jerry cans of extra fuel to ensure I can actually reach my destination after sitting in traffic for hours going no where without having to pay £4 a litre at the service station, some sort of assault rifle (or possibly machine guns in the front wings) to deal with people sitting in the middle lane and possibly something to confuse BMW drivers like a sign with long division on it.
